Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
