I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize