People in love make me want to vomit
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
