the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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