i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
