Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
