Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize