ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
