he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
