K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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