bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
