He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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