I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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