Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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