O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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