he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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