do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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