maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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