i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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