just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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