just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
