Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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