Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
