I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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