Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
did you just send me my own nude
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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