dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
