you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
