Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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