I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
