Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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