you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
