I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm bleeding and have questions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
