we have pet lesbian snakes
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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