you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
