I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
