Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
