I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize