My sheets look like a crime scene.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
