he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize