I'm going to jail i love you
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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