if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
