What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
