there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
