That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
