so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
