I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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