She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You need Xanax blowdarts
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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