yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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