You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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