When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
