The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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