i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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