Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
