i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize