My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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