That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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