stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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