don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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