Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
