There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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