I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
