Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
