none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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