i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize