You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
