I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
