it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize