So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
