apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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