Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
