That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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