Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
