I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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