i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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