I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
