Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
