i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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