I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
