Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
